


Terms of Revenge

by Nerd_alert19



Series: Terms of.. [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 10:09:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19867858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_alert19/pseuds/Nerd_alert19
Summary: A sequel to Terms of Endearment. May gets her revenge. Fluff...with a bit of angst on Phil's part.





	Terms of Revenge

He should have stopped while he was ahead. He had gone a step too far. She didn’t throw him off the plane, which was great because he hated having to repack parachutes; but he should have known not to push his luck. He thought it would be funny to call Melinda “Madame Sassy Pants,” but Skye had heard him say it and now keeps giggling every time she sees May. He’s also pretty sure Skye is the one who changed May’s name tag on her locker to ‘Mama Sassy pants’. He had made it the rest of the day without incident, but now the 24 hours were up and there was nothing protecting him. Now May wanted to spar with him; like old times she had said. He could still hear Mack’s voice ringing in his ears.

“Don’t do it man. I’m telling you, you do NOT want to go down there.”

“Why? Did she look mad?”

“No Man, she was smiling.”

“Oh god that’s bad! She’s going to murder me and hide the body. You know…I’m not even sure she would hide it. I think she’d string me up on a pole and set me up in the common area as an example to anyone who even thinks about teasing her again.”

“Yep! She’s definitely going to take that route. On the bright side, I can work on Lola when you’re dead.”

“I will haunt you so hard if you touch Lola.”

“Ha, yeah right! Like May’s gonna even let your ghost survive. Good luck, Sir! You’re totally gonna need it.”

He swallowed hard, and considered running and hiding out for a few days. She would just find him. He could never beat May at anything, especially hide and seek. He should just go down there and take it like a man…..but he’d rather make a hard pass on that one and try to charm his way out of it first. If that failed, then he would run and hide. 

She was in the gym when he finally worked up the nerve to go down there; but instead of the mats being set up to spar, she was finishing her tai chi routine. She looked him over as she grabbed her water bottle.

“Need something, Phil?”

“I thought we were going to spar…..like the old days.”

“Oh I’m sorry, Phil! I completely forgot. I’m supposed to meet with the strike team for training in 15 minutes. Rain Check?”

“Yeah… sure. No problem.”

“I feel bad for forgetting. Let me make it up to you with dinner later? I’ll have it ready about 6:00. That okay?”

“Okay…yeah…that sounds great.”

“See you then, Phil”

He watched her head out of the gym with a smile on his face. Not only had he not been murdered sparring with May, now they had plans for dinner. This day was starting to look up. He started to walk out of the gym whistling an old classic when it suddenly hit him. May was fixing him dinner. That was how she planned to kill him…..with her cooking. To an outsider it would just look like she was being sweet and fixing a meal for her best friend, but she was a terrible cook. She wouldn’t even have to hide any drugs or suspicious chemicals in the food that might show up on an autopsy. She could literally just attempt to cook a meal and no matter how terrible it tasted, he would eat it so as not to hurt her feelings. Then he would die, and Madame Sassy Pants would have her revenge. 

With a sense of foreboding, he headed to his office to add a few things to his Will and try to line his stomach with a layer of Pepto or two before “dinner”. 

By the time dinner rolled around, his nerves had only gotten worse. He thought about pretending like he was super busy and had forgotten dinner; but at 6:00 on the dot, May entered his office with a couple boxes of take out from one of his favorite places.

“What’s this?”

“Dinner. I got you a burger even though it is terribly unhealthy, but I got you a salad too. That way I feel better about you eating something that is actually good for you.”

“You got me a salad to go with my favorite burger….because you care about my health?”

“Yes. Why are you being weird, Phil?”

“Umm…sorry. I’m just tired and having a hard time processing.”

“Well….eat and then you should head to bed. I can handle whatever paperwork is left.”

“Yeah….okay. Thanks.”

He tried to act normal after that. If she noticed him checking over his burger and salad for anything suspicious, she didn’t mention it. She didn’t try to kill him with dinner. She didn’t even cook for him, but had gotten his favorite burger from his favorite place. Mack had been wrong. She wasn’t mad at him. She had enjoyed his teasing, and there was nothing to worry about. Now that he was no longer afraid for his life, he was enjoying the quite time alone with Melinda. They finished dinner with light conversations and a few old stories of the past thrown in. By the time they were done he was thoroughly relaxed and ready for bed. 

He had just settled under the covers and reached for the light switch when something caught his eye. There on the wall across from his bed was his framed vintage Captain America poster, but it didn’t look the same as it should. The part that said, “ I salute you for buying war bonds” had been crossed out with a sharpie. Written instead were the words “Don’t ever mess with May” and rather than saying, “Captain America” big ugly sharpie letters spelled out “Captain Sassy Pants.” He gasped like a middle school girl and tried to calm his breathing. His beloved Cap poster was desecrated. This was a fate far worse then death and having his corpse on a pole. He pulled the frame off the wall and went in search for Melinda Sassy Pants May. She would rue the day she messed with Cap!

She was already waiting for him when he made it to her bunk. She was just casually propped against the wall looking rather bored as if she had been waiting for him for a while. 

“Why, May? Why?! What did Cap ever do to you?!”

“Not a thing, but I thought this was a little bit better revenge then the old shaving cream stunt I pulled on Fitz.”

“This was too far, Melinda May! Too far!”

“Really, Phil? Did you know that Daisy reprogrammed my lanyard so that every time I scanned into an area on the base it recognized me as Agent Sassy Pants?”

“Ummm….no. I did not know that. I will speak to her about that.”

“No need. I took care of it.”

“But still Melinda, this is a vintage poster! It’s rare and hard to find. There’s no way I can get my hands on another one of these.”

“I know.”

“So why did you ruin it?”

“I didn’t”

“Clearly you did! This is sharpie, and it’s not just on the frame. I checked! You wrote on the poster and then reframed it.”

“Relax Phil. I know how rare it is and how precious it is to you. I would never be cruel enough to hurt anything Captain America related.”

“Then why did…”

“It’s not your poster, Phil. I had a copy made of it and wrote on the copy before putting it in a similar frame. Your poster is safe and sound.” 

With that she opened her door and there on the wall was his beloved vintage Captain America poster safe and sound and in pristine condition. He took a moment to calm his breathing and make sure there was no visible moisture in his eyes before turning to May. 

“Well played, May. Well played.”

“I know.” She replied with a smirk. “Let’s just keep this in mind next time you want to come up with any nicknames for me. I have plenty of sharpies.”

He swallowed hard and pulled the collar of his t-shirt from his neck a bit. He was about to how sorry he was and how he would never do it again, but a very shiny and annoyed Daisy Johnson rounded the corner and headed right for them. 

“Ummm….Daisy. Are you okay?” Phil asked when she got close enough for him to see why she was so shiny. 

“Do I look okay?! I went to turn my air on in my room and glitter shot out of all of my vents. ALL OF THEM! There is literally glitter everywhere in my room!”

“Hmm….that is rather unfortunate, Daisy. I would help you clean up….but I need to go call Agent Koenig about my lanyard. Seems it’s been acting up today. Good luck with the clean up though. I hear glitter is even harder to clean up than sharpie.” With that she walked into her room and closed the door, leaving behind a glitter covered agent and very sad director. His real poster was still on her wall.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to anissa_qiaolian for the suggestion.


End file.
